Breaking up is hard to do

Wow. Being the breaker-upper is not much better than being the breakup-ee.

As some of you may have gathered from my last post, or from my facebook status change last week, my boyfriend and I broke up.

I’m the one who did the breaking. It was something that I’ve needed to do for a long time. Safe to say we both saw it coming and yet we both didn’t really want to do anything about it. I finally made the move.

We were together almost four years. It would have been four years April 15.

Like I said, I know it was the right step to take but it wasn’t easy. Despite my own feelings, despite my friends’ prodding, I put it off and off and off because I was afraid. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of losing a friend. A best friend, really. Afraid of how I would feel after. Afraid that I wouldn’t find anyone else to replace the empty feeling in my heart that I knew would only get bigger once I actually said the words that needed to be said: I think we should break up.

And I had never broken up with anyone before. (I was the one who was completely devastated-- several times I might add-- by my high school-into-college boyfriend.) I wasn’t sure what to do or how to say it.

As far as breakups go, this one was … nice? I don’t know the word. Calm? I simply said that things weren’t working out and that we both deserved better-- to find someone who truly makes us happy and gives us what we need. I didn’t feel it was necessary to delve into all the things that I think he has done wrong. Or how he hurt me. What would be the point, really? I knew that once I got those words out-- I think we should break up-- there would be no going back. Nothing he could do to change my mind. Pointing fingers wouldn’t solve anything and we still have a dog together that we both love. And mutual friends. We will still occasionally talk and see each other so I wanted to make the breakup as “nice” as possible.

I think he did, too, because he didn’t get defensive either. As sad as this fact might make me, he pretty much agreed with what I said. It would have been nice if he had tried to fight for me, but I knew going in that wouldn’t be the reaction and it wasn’t. Which is exactly why I knew it all needed to end. So it did.

Luckily, last week was as busy as usual and work kept my mind off of what had happened. Valentine’s Day was a Monday and I had a horrific City Council meeting to attend. (Horrific because it lasted six hours. Longest meeting of my life!) I had meetings almost every night last week in fact. And those deadlines to meet. But then the weekend came and bam! Everything I didn’t want to think about has hit me. The rainy, gloomy weather didn’t help either.

I never really talked about my relationship here and in general I try not to get too personal, but I decided to write this all down because I just called the ex and it left me a bit rattled. I called because he still owes me some money and the bill is coming up this week. (Another reason I did my best to keep the split amicable.) I was slightly dreading calling him but it was harder than I imagined it would be. 

The moment I got on the phone with him and he asked me how I was, it took all the strength within me not to burst out crying. My voice cracked a little and I had to cover my mouth. I didn’t want him to know that I was hurting. It was me, after all, who did this. Surprisingly, for an ultra-emotional girl like me, I didn’t cry that much during the actual breakup. But this weekend, in the privacy of my room, under the covers of my bed, tears have soaked my pillow, coming down heavy like the rain outside.

I still know that I did the right thing. For both of us. But it still hurts. My heart aches because I miss my friend. Heck, I miss my dog. And I hate feeling so incredibly alone. Thankfully, my best friend just returned my call and I’m already feeling a bit better, just being able to talk to her and let out all these emotions swirling inside. Writing it all down has lifted some of the weight, too.

Today, the sun broke through the clouds and I know that this internal storm will also pass. Until this weekend I wasn’t letting myself feel the pain and I’ve realized that even though the breakup was expected and needed and my own doing, it is still okay to feel sad. I spent the last four years of my life loving this man, even if he didn’t love me back the way I needed. I shared my hopes and dreams and fears with him. He saw me laugh and he saw me cry. He was there to talk to when I had a bad day. He was there to go to dinner with and see the latest movie. It’s hard to lose all that. So it’s okay to be sad.

I’m going to let myself feel that for a while and then I’ll get back to the regular, cheerful programming. If you made it this far, you’re awesome. Thanks for reading.

xoxo,


Saw this photo today on Etsy and it seemed to capture my feelings. Find it here, by tamgutlich

The right hands

A heart is a funny thing.

It can be so strong

for the people it loves

and yet those are the very ones

who can break it so easily.

Still,

when held in the right hands,

a heart can be so full

and so light

all at the same time.

So while 

it may not be smart

to keep giving away my heart

so freely,

I will keep on giving

until the day that it finds

the right hands.

penned Feb. 2, 2011

felt again Feb. 12

still feeling today

Image via we heart it

Mailbox pretties

Happy almost-Valentine's Day, my loves! Sorry I have been so MIA... I have been busy busy busy, as usual. But I just had to share with you these cute Valentines I made for The Stationary Place's first-ever handmade Valentine swap!

I met Lyndsey at Dionne's SoCal Blogger's Bee on New Year's Day, which I never posted about-- sorry! It was amazing of course. Nothing less with Dionne as the organizer. (I mean, just check out this Chocolat-themed Valentine's party she threw. I am in awe. Who wouldn't want to be invited to that party?) Maybe one of these days soon I will post about the incredible goodie bags us SoCal bloggers received... so many wonderful artists represented in that bag!

Anyway, like I was saying, I met Lyndsey at the meetup and soon after discovered her blog, dedicated to all things paper. When she announced she was having a handmade Valentine swap, I couldn't resist joining in the fun! Here's a closer look at my creations:

Now, I can't take all the credit for these adorable greetings. I used a kit from my favorite stationary store, Paper Source. Still, I made them my own by adding a few extra hearts here and there and on the interior. And of course the message inside was all my own. I hope the ladies who received them loved them as much as I enjoyed making them!

So, did you send any Valentine's this year? Don't you miss those grade school days when you would bring Valentine's and chocolates for the whole class and drop a little sweetness in each of your friends' pouches? At least, that's what we did at my school...

Hope you are having a sweet, love-filled weekend!

xoxo,

Nailing it

Happy almost-Friday everybody! I wanted to post a quick update today about a project I've been working on. It's called Project Stop Biting My Nails. :)

Remember how I told you that one of my New Years resolutions for 2010 was to stop biting my nails?

And then how just a few weeks before the year was up I realized that I hadn't accomplished that seemingly simple goal and decided to really and truly stop? (So I could say I did successfully meet at least one of my resolutions!)

Well, I've stuck with it and I'm happy to say, I have nice, long(ish) nails! Even through the stress of work and another editor change (Monday was a doozy to say the least), I haven't bitten all my hard earned white tips off.

Even happier, I received that free Zoya polish I told you about (except Kelly, she's still on backorder). Since I've always been a nail biter, I'm not so skillful at painting my nails. But practice makes perfect, right? Here's the colors I've been wearing:

For the past two weeks, while waiting for my three free to arrive, I was wearing Zoya's Laurie, a pale, sheer, creamy pink. Since I am so fair and have cool undertones in my skin, this polish is almost my perfect nude. It would be great for a French manicure, too.

Because Zoya received tens of thousands of orders during their three free promotion, it took a long time for them to get the polishes shipped. And I really needed some products to help me maintain my no-biting policy. So I ordered Laurie and Zoya's Color Lock System, which comes with remover, base coat, top coat and "HurryUp" drying drops. I have to say I love the remover-- it works so fast and has a fairly nice scent for nail polish remover! It's not overwhelming like some can be. I'm also in love with Zoya's base coat, called Anchor. It does what it says and dries within seconds.

I finally received Edyta and Isla-- two of my three free-- last week and I was so excited to paint my nails last weekend. But I was a bit too tired to be bothered. However, Laurie was starting to lose her luster-- though I have to say she did hold up well; hardly any chips!-- so I made the time last night to try out Edyta. (Which I am guessing was named after the sexy Polish dancer on "Dancing with the Stars." The color does remind me of her.)

Here's the results:

Though my dad and brother thought it looked black and "goth" at first, I showed them that in the light, it is actually a dark green with shimmering gold. I think it's unique and pretty. What do you think?

I'm so proud of myself for actually committing to this "project" and not relapsing into my bad habit. It's nice to be able to give myself a manicure and not worry while taking notes during an interview if the person notices my gnawed on nails.

There's only one problem: Now I want to buy tons of nail polish! Like I needed another beauty product to be obsessed with, right? Well, I have my eye on a few other shades: Ibiza, Charla and Julieanne. And I'm lusting after Zoya's entire spring collection, Intimate. (I especially want Marley!)

I probably would have quit biting my nails a lot sooner had I known how many beautiful nail polishes are out there! Thanks, Zoya, for the motivation.

SAG Fashion

So, I totally forgot about the 17th annual Screen Actors Guild awards. Like, it didn't even occur to me that they were on until about 11 o'clock last night.

No!!! was my immediate thought.

And then I realized: Wait a second. All I really care about is seeing what people wore. Thank you, Internet.

So I browsed. I oohed and ahhed. There were a few ughs in there, too, as always. But, I'm too nice to point out the fashion that failed. Instead, I've compiled here the fashion that, in my opinion, was fabulous. Take a look and let me know what you think! (to see bigger, click the photo!)

Ladies in Red

I adore Mila Kunis in this belted, flowy Alexander McQueen dress. It is romantic yet edgy and young at the same time. And her wavy locks and trademark smoky eyes are the perfect fit. She looks cool and a bit sassy, just as I imagine her to be.

And Tina Fey, well, I just applaud her! She has been known to find herself on the worst dress list; but she looks stunning in this red lace Oscar de la Renta gown. It hugs her in all the right places and the embellished bodice adds a bit of fun to a dress that could otherwise be too serious for the comedienne.

Shining brightly

Critics debated whether her crisp white Azzaro column sheath was a bit too tight for her baby bump, but I think Natalie Portman looks gorgeous. (The $2 million in Tiffany jewels doesn't hurt, either.) And I even heard criticism of her hair, that it was a bit too severe. But I don't mind the pulled back look-- because just look at that skin! Flawless! Glowing! Pregnancy is doing Portman good.

Onto Julia Stiles, who, I have to say, looks better than ever. This is how I would want to look on the red carpet. Seriously, that faded navy-and-white Monique Lhuillier gown makes her look lit from within, don't you think? And her hair is great, too. I love the tumbling golden ringlets over her shoulder.

"Glee" starlet Lea Michele abandoned her usual show-stopping ball gown for a sleeker style. Her shimmering sliver Oscar de la Renta dress is sexy but not over the top, and the combination of dewy skin, nude lips and just-rolled-out-of-bed hair completes the effortless look.

Fun & Funky

I've probably mentioned it on here before, but I love color on the red carpet. Don't give me black and boring. Give me fun and funky! I give kudos to gals who take chances when it comes to fashion and I think these risks paid off.

Claire Danes is bringing spring early in her floral belted Louis Vuitton gown. The ruffles at the bodice gives her a little oomph where she needs it and the pops of pinky-orange on her lips and tips-- ahem, nails-- are an unexpected but fun contrast.

Hailee Steinfeld, of "True Grit," is the new face of young Hollywood, and the new face of fabulous young Hollywood fashion. Two awards shows in a row she has nailed it, looking fresh, pretty and age-appropriate (she is only 14 after all). Hailee looked picture perfect in cream at the Golden Globes. She went an entirely different direction this time in a magenta, black and tangerine-striped Prada dress but again, picture perfect! And so cute. I kind of want to wear a shorter version of that dress this summer.

Soft & Nude

Now these weren't my favorites but they are getting honorable mentions. Lea Michele's "Glee" co-star Heather Morris looked sweet and chic in a strapless, crystal embroidered, peachy Romona Keveza dress-- proving fair girls can go nude.

Also looking ethereal was Angie Harmon. The train is perhaps a bit overboard, I'll give you that. But I can't help but love her feathery ballet pink Monique Lhuillier gown. So frilly and feminine and hey, I'm a girl's girl.

Daper dudes

Fashion isn't all about the ladies. Check out these handsome fellas: Justin Timberlake in a Simon Spurr tux and James Franco in a Gucci suit. But really, who am I kidding? I don't care about what they're wearing. Take it off boys! Ooh, sorry. Got a bit carried away there. I'll simmer down...

A different approach

"Modern Family" hot mama Julie Bowen showed the boys how it's done in a Catherine Malandrino paintsuit. You may knock her choice but you gotta give it to her for guts. In a sea of gowns, Julie wasn't afraid to stand out-- and her body is smokin'.  

A forever do...

Finally, I'm throwing in the classic, forever beauty Betty White-- pictured here accepting her SAG award for Best Female Actor in a Comedy Series for "Hot in Cleveland"-- because 1) we should all be so lucky to look this good at 89, and 2) she is the reason I missed the awards to begin with! Besides the fact that I forgot, I was too busy watching her and my new girl crush, Jennifer Love Hewitt, in the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie "The Lost Valentine." Betty had me blubbering like a little baby. It was the sweetest and saddest love story ever. If you see it on while flipping through the channels, you should watch. You won't be disappointed.

There you have it! My SAG fashion rundown. So, did you watch the SAGs? Do you agree with my choices? Who was your "Best Dressed" of the night? (Mine's a tie between Mila and Julia.)

Red carpet images via Yahoo!
Betty White photo via E! Online

And the winner is...

Happy Wednesday, everybody! Hope you are having a good week so far. We're almost to Friday!

Well, it's that time. Time to announce the winner of my second-ever giveaway. Thanks so much to everyone who entered! And a special hello and thank you to new readers who played along, too!

Ok, without much further ado, the winner of my giveaway (as chosen by the classic names-on-slips-of-paper, put-em-in-a-cup, shake-shake-shake method) is...

..........

......

...

The lovely and fabulous and always inspiring Amber, of The Girl With The Red Hair!! Congrats girl!

I seriously couldn't believe my eyes when the paper was pulled. Amber was my very first commenter. My very first! But I promise, there was no funny business. My dad actually did the honors of pulling a name out of the plastic cup. My first words were, "Are you serious!?" Haha. It was meant to be.

Amber, I think I already have your correct address, but maybe shoot me an email just to confirm? Thanks, love! I'll put those goodies in the mail to you asap... I hope you enjoy!

And thanks again to all of you! If you didn't win, don't worry. Giveaways are just too much fun; I may have to host another one before I hit my third blogiversary :)

xoxo,

New fave... Ghost Whisperer

Last week I discovered my new favorite show: "Ghost Whisperer."

I know, I know. The series finale was last year. Better late than never?

Here's what happened: It was, I want to say a Thursday night, and I was up late-- which is nothing new-- flipping through the channels-- also nothing new-- when I stumbled upon "Ghost Whisperer" on WE TV (Side note: I love "My Fair Wedding with David Tutera"!) "Hey!" I thought. "This is new!." So I watched. All it took was one episode and I was hooked. (The fact that they keep running marathons helped the addiction along, of course.)

First, I was captivated by the complete and utter gorgeousness that is Jennifer Love Hewitt. You'd have to watch to get the full effect but her hair looks absolutely perfect in every scene. I am totally envious of her waves. Anyway, Miss Love-ly (sorry, couldn't help myself!) plays Melinda Gordon, an antiques shop owner in a small town and she, oh yeah, just so happens to be able to see and talk to dead people. Or, as her grandma called them, "earthbound spirits" who have unfinished business with the living that is preventing them from "crossing over" into the light.

Second, I was entranced by the hotness and hunkiness of David Conrad, who plays Melinda's unbelievably charming, romantic and supportive hubby, Jim Clancy. Unbelievable as this perhaps too-good-to-be-true character may be, I'd totally play the damsel in distress to his prince and fall into those strong, toned and tanned arms. Just sayin'. Oh, and he has pretty nice hair, too!

Third, of the five or six episodes I have recorded and watched so far (most from Season 1), none have disappointed. They all suck me in and keep me clicking fast forward through the commercials to see what happens next. There's funny moments, cute moments and enough semi-spooky moments to keep things interesting. I will say though that "Ghost Whisperer" is most assuredly a "chick show." Which is not to say a guy wouldn't want to watch it (he likely would for other reasons, see: Jennifer Love Hewitt) but at the end of every episode I get a little choked up when the ghost imparts its final message, finds closure and crosses over.

I know. I'm such a sap! But I love it. I'm thinking I may have to go out and buy the series on DVD.

So, have you seen the show? First run or in late-night marathons like me? And have you discovered a new favorite show? I'd love to hear!



P.S. Time is running out to enter my giveaway! Do it! :)

P.P.S. While we're on the topic of Jennifer Love Hewitt, what did you think of her dress at the Golden Globes? I wasn't the biggest fan, though she did look romantic, soft and ethereal. Her hair and makeup on the other hand were perfection. Some things never change!


Top image via "Ghost Whisperer" facebook
Other images via the show's official website