Happy Thanksgiving!

I am thankful for having a roof over my head, food in the cupboards, a steady job and, most importantly, wonderful, loving, hilarious friends! Oh, and a new man that makes me smile :)

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Even though it is so easy to whine about the things that we want or need, or just all around take things and people for granted, let's take today to remember what we have and count our many, many blessings.

xoxo,


Image via we heart it

Twin tragedies forge new perspectives

Ten years ago, tragedy struck our nation in a sudden, profound and devastating way.

Our world was forever changed.

Ten years ago, tragedy struck my family, in a similarly heartwrenching way.

My life was forever changed. On April 26, 2001, my older brother, Jeremy Weed, was killed in a drunk driving accident.

Driving home in the early morning hours, my brother’s friend fell asleep at the wheel. When his Ford Bronco veered right across the 101 Freeway and careened into an illegally parked tractor-trailer, the driver survived unscathed. Jeremy was killed instantly.

We all know what happened Sept. 11 of that year.

Planes hijacked by Al Qaeda terrorists slammed into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and— due to brave passengers who retook control of United Airlines Flight 93, whose intended target was presumably the Capitol or the White House—a field in Shanksville, Pa.

I remember going to school that morning, a junior at Simi Valley High School. My peers and I were glued to the TV screens, watching the newscasts in shock and horror.

Later that night, I sobbed as we viewed the replay. Watching the Twin Towers fall—my own personal loss still fresh in my heart and mind—I cried for all that had been taken from me and all the pain and suffering now inflicted on those across the nation, particularly those in New York City. I knew that pain all too well, the kind that leaves you eternally asking “Why?”

Crisis can make us better or worse as people. In the wake of Jeremy’s death I gained new perspective, and I like to believe I’ve become a stronger, more compassionate and more empathetic person.

The same can be said of our country in the days following 9/11.

United by tragedy—and yes, anger—we bonded together and held each other up. Confronted by fear and hate from abroad, patriotism had perhaps never been so high. The stars and stripes waved from porches and Porsches.

After a tragedy people sometimes say that “time will heal all wounds.” But those who have lost someone, especially in a sudden and senseless way, know the truth: Time just makes it easier to bear the pain. The sharpness, the sting, fades. But the memory doesn’t, nor does a longing to be able to change the past, to bring back what we’ve lost.

Unfortunately, sometimes the lessons of disaster also fade. It’s nearly 10 years later and our nation is, in many ways, more divided than ever. But anniversaries bring an opportunity for reflection—to consider the past and remind us of the way to move forward.

Jeremy’s life was cut far too short at just 26 years old—he was the age that I am now.

It is my aim to live a life that he would be proud of.

Likewise, while Sept. 11, 2001, was a dark day, I hope this 10th anniversary of the terrorist attacks will spur us on to live in a way that will honor the spirit of those who lost their lives, those who risked their well-being to save another, those who have gone overseas to fight for our freedom and those who helped pick up the pieces and rise from the ashes to rebuild.

Courage, selflessness, love for country and thy neighbor, and resilience in the face of adversity— that is 9/11’s legacy, today and every day.

This story ran in the Sept. 9, 2011 edition of the Simi Valley Acorn.

Status update

Ok. So I'm hoping this post doesn't make me come off sounding like a lonely and bitter witch. 

But, as I was about to post about more stuff—which, don’t get me wrong, I love me some pretty stuff—I thought that maybe I should write about what’s really on my mind.

And then after writing it all out, I debated actually posting it because, well, it's not easy for me to be so open and vulnerable on here.

Still, I’m guessing there are some of you out there who will get how I feel. So here goes.

It seems I am at the age where everyone I know—friends, acquaintances, coworkers, former high school classmates, you name it—is getting engaged, married or knocked up. Well, the better way to put that would be to say they are starting a family.

Now, I know that this is the normal course of life. I’m a 20-something, approaching 30, these things happen. But I think certain platforms like, ahem, Facebook, make me hyper-aware of the situation. Every day it seems people are updating their statuses with life-changing news. Look at my sparkling new ring! Check out my wedding pics! Isn’t my darling baby darling?!

But don’t misunderstand. I am thrilled for my friends when I hear this type of news and when I write “Congratulations, I’m so happy for you!” I am completely sincere. Really and truly. But there is this little nagging part of me that wonders, “When will that happen for me?”

Even proclamations of, “I got my dream job!” or “Just closed on my new home!” can elicit that kind of inner, heart-sinking response from me.

I wouldn’t describe it as jealousy. Just a feeling of not being where I wish I was—the sort of ache that keeps me up at night when those self-defeating, woe-is-me thoughts creep in.

And yes, a tinge of loneliness. I am lonely. (But I am actively warding off a turn into bitter-ville.) My ex and I broke up six months ago and although we are still friends and talk often and hang out—a kind of odd relationship that is hard for people to understand—sometimes you just want someone to hold your hand, you know?

There it is. I guess I’ve been feeling a bit sad, a bit restless and a bit stuck. I’ve probably driven my best friend crazy with these feelings of insecurity! But really, I’m sure there are others out there who feel or have felt like this. How do you shift your negative thoughts and get out of a funk?

I know everyone has their own path to follow and that many of the things I’m looking and hoping for will happen when the time is right. But I'm also a believer that sometimes you have to take the reigns of your life and make a change when you’re not happy or to get where you want to be. Change is something I tend to avoid like the plague, but I’m thinking it’s high time I become more of a risk taker.

So here's to being patient but enjoying the ride, and being proud of my own life (thou shall not covet, right?) while taking baby steps forward to make tomorrow more like my dreams.

xoxo,


Love-ly photos via we heart it: 1, 2 and 3.

Hello, again

Hey there, blogland! No, I didn't fall off the face of the earth. Even though, I will admit, it almost appeared that I had. If I didn't live at home, my mother may have sent out a search party.

Instead, she asked a few weeks ago, "Have you quit blogging?"

Nevermind the fact that I'm still always a bit creeped out when she asks about my blog (sorry, Mom!), I answered incredulously, "Noooo! I'm just busy!"

Which is partly true. I could blame my absence on work. That's my tried-and-true excuse. But if I am totally honest, I have just been feeling uninspired and completely unmotivated when it comes to blogging.

But I have missed it. I've missed you! My bloggy friends and your supportive, kind, and even funny words.

So here I am, back to blogging. Let's start slow, shall we?

I thought I'd share with you this package I received in the mail today. Have you heard of JewelMint, the jewelry line created by actress Kate Bosworth and her celebrity stylist friend Cher Coulter?

I've been a JewelMint "member" since February-- which means my inbox has been inundated with emails about my personalized monthly showroom selections as well as limited-time deals-- but I didn't make my first official purchase until last week. I had been eyeing the Piet Mondrian-inspired necklace below since seeing it in Lucky magazine months ago and when it was featured in a 2-for-1 deal with matching earrings, I couldn't resist any longer.

Modern Love Set

I ordered last Wednesday and a chic black package showed up at my door this afternoon. I have to say, JewelMint puts a lot of effort into their packaging-- and I appreciate that extra touch. Check it out:

The inner cards describe the pieces: "Modernize your look with this 30" gold plated geometric necklace. Light olive, camel, and grey fabric insets are delicately framed to create a truly sleek piece."

The matching earrings are 2 1/4" long and made of the same materials.

The colors are darker in person than they appeared online, but I still love it. The tones will work great with my summer wardrobe but easily transition to fall, too. I have to say, I don't think the jewelry is particularly high quality-- though I don't see it falling apart either. Definitely a step up from Forever 21! But I don't think I'd consistently spend $29.99 a month to get a new piece. The only reason I bought this was because of the 2-for-1 deal and an extra discount code I found online.

So tell me, what do you think of monthly subscription services like JewelMint? Worth it? Are you a member of any?

I'm also a member of ShoeDazzle, but I haven't purchased anything yet. There's lots of cute and sexy shoes but the heel heights are all too tall! Since I'm nearly 5'9" I try to stay at or below 3 inches. But what should I expect from a company launched by Kim Kardashian? :) I always say I need to start a line of sassy kicks for tall girls.

As always, thanks for reading! I pledge to do better with blogging... (Girl) Scout's honor!

xoxo,


top image via we heart it

Missing you

Today was a busy day at work. In some ways that's a good thing. I wasn't allowed to really dwell on what this day means. But I also didn't have time to visit the cemetery, which I feel a bit guilty about. Not really guilty I guess, I just wanted to go. But I know Jeremy wouldn't mind. He would understand.

Today is the 10th anniversary of my brother's death. I've talked about it on here before and I know it is not exactly a happy topic, but I can't let the day go by without acknowledging it somehow.

Even though it is just one day, I've been thinking about this day for several months. I've long been aware that this would be the 10-year anniversary. It is hard to believe it has been that long. When I mentioned it to my best friend last week, she couldn't believe it either.

But more than that, I've also long realized that this year I would turn 26. I am the same age my brother was when he was killed. It's a bit surreal. I try to imagine myself in his place and I can't. He always seemed so much older. Now that I am his age, I can't comprehend it. I feel like I have just started to live my life and there's still so much more I want to accomplish. I guess it just reaffirms what I've always known. Jeremy was taken far too soon. He had so much potential, so much more to do and give and see and be. But the unpredictability of life stepped in and his time here was cut short. I'll never understand why, I've accepted that. It is what it is and you can't really find meaning in it. You just have to learn from it, grow from it and move on in the best way you can. And I think I've done that for the most part.

But no matter how many years are put between then and now, I'll never stop remembering. And I'll never stop missing my big brother. My goofy, good-hearted brother. It's funny, most times I feel "fine" about the whole thing. I think of him with only joy in my heart. It has been a decade after all. But then there's those other times that startle me with a whoosh of emotion-- sadness, of course, and a longing to be able to change the unchangeable. Times like right now, when I'm trying to fight the tears. I should just let them fall.

---

Jeremy, I'm sorry I wasn't able to visit you today. I was going to bring you a beer this year instead of flowers. I thought the rebel in you might appreciate that. Maybe I'll come out to sit with you this weekend. It's hard for me to do, but sometimes it's good to just feel it. Until then, know that you are in my thoughts today and every day, and everyone down here misses you. A lot. I love you forever.

Your little sis,

P.S. I'm disabling comments for this one. But if you got this far, thank you so much for reading.

Breaking up is hard to do

Wow. Being the breaker-upper is not much better than being the breakup-ee.

As some of you may have gathered from my last post, or from my facebook status change last week, my boyfriend and I broke up.

I’m the one who did the breaking. It was something that I’ve needed to do for a long time. Safe to say we both saw it coming and yet we both didn’t really want to do anything about it. I finally made the move.

We were together almost four years. It would have been four years April 15.

Like I said, I know it was the right step to take but it wasn’t easy. Despite my own feelings, despite my friends’ prodding, I put it off and off and off because I was afraid. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of losing a friend. A best friend, really. Afraid of how I would feel after. Afraid that I wouldn’t find anyone else to replace the empty feeling in my heart that I knew would only get bigger once I actually said the words that needed to be said: I think we should break up.

And I had never broken up with anyone before. (I was the one who was completely devastated-- several times I might add-- by my high school-into-college boyfriend.) I wasn’t sure what to do or how to say it.

As far as breakups go, this one was … nice? I don’t know the word. Calm? I simply said that things weren’t working out and that we both deserved better-- to find someone who truly makes us happy and gives us what we need. I didn’t feel it was necessary to delve into all the things that I think he has done wrong. Or how he hurt me. What would be the point, really? I knew that once I got those words out-- I think we should break up-- there would be no going back. Nothing he could do to change my mind. Pointing fingers wouldn’t solve anything and we still have a dog together that we both love. And mutual friends. We will still occasionally talk and see each other so I wanted to make the breakup as “nice” as possible.

I think he did, too, because he didn’t get defensive either. As sad as this fact might make me, he pretty much agreed with what I said. It would have been nice if he had tried to fight for me, but I knew going in that wouldn’t be the reaction and it wasn’t. Which is exactly why I knew it all needed to end. So it did.

Luckily, last week was as busy as usual and work kept my mind off of what had happened. Valentine’s Day was a Monday and I had a horrific City Council meeting to attend. (Horrific because it lasted six hours. Longest meeting of my life!) I had meetings almost every night last week in fact. And those deadlines to meet. But then the weekend came and bam! Everything I didn’t want to think about has hit me. The rainy, gloomy weather didn’t help either.

I never really talked about my relationship here and in general I try not to get too personal, but I decided to write this all down because I just called the ex and it left me a bit rattled. I called because he still owes me some money and the bill is coming up this week. (Another reason I did my best to keep the split amicable.) I was slightly dreading calling him but it was harder than I imagined it would be. 

The moment I got on the phone with him and he asked me how I was, it took all the strength within me not to burst out crying. My voice cracked a little and I had to cover my mouth. I didn’t want him to know that I was hurting. It was me, after all, who did this. Surprisingly, for an ultra-emotional girl like me, I didn’t cry that much during the actual breakup. But this weekend, in the privacy of my room, under the covers of my bed, tears have soaked my pillow, coming down heavy like the rain outside.

I still know that I did the right thing. For both of us. But it still hurts. My heart aches because I miss my friend. Heck, I miss my dog. And I hate feeling so incredibly alone. Thankfully, my best friend just returned my call and I’m already feeling a bit better, just being able to talk to her and let out all these emotions swirling inside. Writing it all down has lifted some of the weight, too.

Today, the sun broke through the clouds and I know that this internal storm will also pass. Until this weekend I wasn’t letting myself feel the pain and I’ve realized that even though the breakup was expected and needed and my own doing, it is still okay to feel sad. I spent the last four years of my life loving this man, even if he didn’t love me back the way I needed. I shared my hopes and dreams and fears with him. He saw me laugh and he saw me cry. He was there to talk to when I had a bad day. He was there to go to dinner with and see the latest movie. It’s hard to lose all that. So it’s okay to be sad.

I’m going to let myself feel that for a while and then I’ll get back to the regular, cheerful programming. If you made it this far, you’re awesome. Thanks for reading.

xoxo,


Saw this photo today on Etsy and it seemed to capture my feelings. Find it here, by tamgutlich

The right hands

A heart is a funny thing.

It can be so strong

for the people it loves

and yet those are the very ones

who can break it so easily.

Still,

when held in the right hands,

a heart can be so full

and so light

all at the same time.

So while 

it may not be smart

to keep giving away my heart

so freely,

I will keep on giving

until the day that it finds

the right hands.

penned Feb. 2, 2011

felt again Feb. 12

still feeling today

Image via we heart it

Hello, 2011.

It’s that time of year again. Time to self-reflect. Time to set goals. Time to beat yourself up over what you didn’t get done last year. Ha! I’m kidding, kind of.

See, looking back at last year’s resolutions, I’d have to say that they mostly all still apply today. It’s a bit discouraging seeing that I haven’t made much progress in the past year-- though I have in the last two weeks stopped biting my nails. Right now I even have little white tips. It’s all very exciting. I hope this time it sticks!

Anyway, like I was saying, it is a bit of a bummer to look back and feel like you didn’t accomplish the goals you set out for yourself. But, there’s no point in dwelling. Just keep swimming! (Gotta love that Dory.) Perhaps I should print that 2010 post out and hang it on my bathroom mirror so that, while I’m brushing my teeth of all things, I’m constantly reminded of what my resolutions are. I really might just do that but while I’m not going to add a bunch of bullet points to that list, I will talk a little bit here about a few personal goals I’d like to work on in 2011.

In the online world, my perpetual resolution is to be a better blogger-- post more, comment more, you know the drill. But in general, I’d like to work on being a better friend, which can happen online but more importantly in real life. I work so hard at being a good employee and yet I still feel like no matter what I do it’s never going to be good enough. I think if I put my effort into being a better person, a better friend, that would be infinitely more fulfilling. And yet it is so easy for me to let the busyness and stress of daily life get in the way of doing the things I love and spending time with the people I love. I have found, particularly in the past year, that it is all too easy to neglect the things that make us who we are and make us feel good to concentrate on the things that we are supposed to do, demanded to do-- even if those things aren’t what build us up and inspire us. 

There’s a balance to be found, for sure, and it is a difficult one to master. There shouldn’t be all work and no play or the other way around, though that way would definitely be more fun! But I guess what I want to strive for is that "timeless" adage: work hard and play harder! What a motto, right? I sound like a sorority girl. (Oh wait, I was one.) But, hey! I’m only 25. I don’t want to look back on my life and only remember all the sleepless nights spent toiling away at my computer. If there is sleep deprivation in my future-- and I know there will be-- I hope it is more often a result of dancing till my feet hurt or spending hours chatting about life with a girl friend, not stressing out over work. Here, here! (Cue me raising a champagne glass.)

My overarching desire for 2011 is this, and I’ve said it before: to be happy. I want to discover true happiness, in all its forms. I want to find what makes me happy and do those things more. If it means taking risks, then I guess this timid, afraid-of-change girl will just have to find her courage, too. 

On the flip side, I want to find what doesn’t make me happy and then do my best to change it or cut it out of my life completely. I’m sure that exercise will be more difficult than it sounds but I really do believe joy is a choice and if you are letting things into your life that stomp all over joy, then really who is to blame for your unhappiness but yourself? So yes, finding, grabbing and holding onto happiness is my simple yet profound goal for 2011. Sure, to really stop biting my nails for good is definitely on the list again too, but I’m thinking that a happier me will be less prone to nail chewing, don’t you?

So here’s to a 2011 with more smiles, laughter and adventure. And here’s hoping your year is full of that, too.

xoxo,


Images via: 1, 2, 3, 4 + 5

Reasons to be thankful

Happy Thanksgiving, friends! Although today is without a doubt a day of gluttony, it is also a day to give thanks for everything you have. To stop thinking about what you want, what you need and be satisfied--no, overjoyed-- by what you do have, right now. I read a quote earlier that said, "There is always, always, always something to be thankful for." And it's true. Even in the most trying times. Even when you are grinning and bearing it through another dysfunctional family holiday. Even when it seems like things can't get any worse, you can't be any more stressed out, you can't be any more unhappy. If you take a minute to stop and think-- and of course, this requires you to actually do that, to stop and smell the roses, as they say-- you can always find something to be thankful for.

There's the obvious: Just being alive. Having a roof over my head-- one I don't even have to pay for. (Thanks Mom and Dad!) Having food on the table, or at the very least a fast food drive-thru away. Having a job that, while it does push me to the brink of my sanity sometimes, I do love, and it gives me purpose. Being able to pay my bills. My health. (That awful cold is finally gone, hooray!)

There's the people who make life worth living. My family of course. We may bump heads at times, we may get on each other's nerves, but at the end of the day, we love each other. We have seen each other's flaws and yet we still love each other. Nothing's better than that.

And then there's my friends. Where would we be without friends? They make me laugh, are there with a tissue and a hug when I cry, will listen when I need to vent and support me when I share my dreams. Yes, I am very thankful for my friends. (And this includes you!)

I'm thankful for the boy. Our relationship is complicated at times--but really, whose relationship isn't?-- but he is one of my best friends and I'm glad I have him in my life.

And I can't forget Hazel. Oh, how I adore that little fur ball. She brings me such joy. When she greets me at the door, running and jumping and kissing, that monkey can erase even the worst bad day.

Like happiness, I believe gratitude is a choice. It is a way of looking at things. Is the cup half empty or half full? I will admit, it's not always easy to be thankful, and I have been guilty on a couple occasions of complaining too much and being, well, for lack of a better term, an ungrateful brat. But making that choice to acknowledge the day and what comes your way with gratitude is without question the most encouraging, uplifting and fulfilling way to live.

So, about that cup? Today, I say half full.



Images via we heart it: 1, 2, 3 + 4

The broken road

Would you laugh if I said I sort of regretted posting my regret post the moment I pushed the publish button?

Seriously though, your comments helped get me out of my fog, my clouds of doom and gloom, and re-realize that the past is the past. There is nothing I can do to change it. And I made the best decisions I could at the time. You just have to keep moving forward and hope those "mistakes" you made will ultimately lead you somewhere wonderful-- somewhere you are meant to be.

I think whenever you are going through some changes-- especially when it feels like maybe the changes aren't "for the better"-- feelings like regret, and yes, sadness, are going to creep in. It is easy to think about the "what ifs" and "what might have beens" when you are not completely happy with where you are-- and when you're not sure where you are going. It is easy when you are feeling down in the dumps to take yourself down even farther by dwelling on things, by beating yourself up emotionally... and that's where I was the other day. It's not often on here that I write out my feelings as I'm feeling them and then open them up for the world to see. But thank you so much for listening and offering reassurance.

You know that Rascal Flatts' song "Bless the Broken Road"? The lyrics to that song are what came into my head while thinking about all this regret stuff. And it gives me hope that no matter how broken the road, you can end up where you are supposed to be. That it is, in fact, the broken road that led you there. To find true love, as the song says, to find passion. To find the job you're meant to be in, the city you're meant to live in.

I am reminded that there are no guarantees in life. We don't know what tomorrow or the next day will bring, no matter how much planning and foresight goes into our decision making. There comes a point where certain things are simply out of our control and all we can do is let go of the steering wheel and choose-- yes, choose-- to enjoy the ride.

So, though it has not always been easy for me to do, here's to choosing to be happy. To letting regret fall by the wayside. To putting one foot in front of the other on that broken road called life. And seeing where it takes me.

xoxo,



Image via i can read

Feelings

I'm going to be perhaps too honest right now, but here goes.

I have so much regret.

It’s funny, because I used to tell people I didn’t believe in regret.

Just “life lessons.”

Well, I guess I’ve been in denial.

Because I feel regret deep down in my bones. In my chest. Especially today.

I've always been a horribly indecisive person, for decisions big and small.

But, of course, it's those big decisions that I feel regretful about.

It's hard for me to trust myself to make the right choice.

They say hindsight is 20/20. Boy, is that ever true.

There are so many things I wish I could take back.

Decisions I would have made differently.

Things I didn’t do that I wish I had done.

Things I’ve done that I wish I didn’t do.

You know the drill.

And I know there is no point in dwelling in the past.

Everyone makes mistakes, of that I am aware.

But this logic, this reasoning, still doesn’t help me shake that awful feeling.

That I wish I had a rewind button and that I could zip myself back to the beginning.

And press play all over again.

The question is: would I really do it any better—would my life be that much better— if I had it to do again?

Photos via we heart it, Leave Happier and i can read

Forever in my heart

Every step I take, every move I make

Every single day, every time I pray

I'll be missing you

Thinking of the day, when you went away

What a life to take, what a bond to break

I'll be missing you

On that morning, when this life is over

I know, I'll see your face . . .

Today was somewhat of a somber day for me. Definitely a day of reflection.

Today is the nine-year anniversary of my brother Jeremy's death.

No matter how many years go by, this day never gets any easier. Most days I remember my brother cheerfully, but this day is different. It can't help but be. But the more time marches on, the more I start to worry that I will somehow forget him. That my memories will get fuzzier and fuzzier until soon he has completely faded from my mind.

That's why I got my tattoo last May. So that I would have a constant visual reminder of him, every single day. And it has worked. No matter how busy I get, I catch a glimpse of that little swallow, his initials under its wing, and I remember. I remember so many things. And I smile.

Even still, I worry. The other day I was talking to my best friend about Jeremy, reminiscing a bit since she is one of the few people in my life besides family who actually knew him. At one point we were talking about how I used to braid his long, curly hair. But then I couldn't remember if he still had long hair when he died-- I don't think he did, but it unnerved me that I couldn't quite recall. I think that might be one of the biggest fears people have after they lose someone. That they will forget those precious memories. That they will forget what the person looked like, sounded like-- and because of that, they have to keep feeling the pain so that they will not forget. They can't move on because they don't want to leave that loved one behind, in the past, where the cobwebs creep into our memories.

I have, of course, moved on. Life inevitably goes on, no matter what tragedy befalls you. You laugh again, smile again, get to a point where you can talk about that person and not crumble into tears. It's a strange but necessary thing.

As I drove to the cemetery this afternoon, all these things were going through my mind. Then, for a brief moment, I felt nothing. And I got scared. I looked over to the flowers sitting on my passenger seat, in the car my brother used to drive, and I thought, "Why don't I feel sad?" Just as quickly as that thought came into my head, I shook it away, urging myself to just stop thinking-- about work, about blogging, about all the things that fill my mind on a daily basis-- and I let myself really feel. His image and my memories flooded my mind, and tears came to my eyes. A knot caught in my throat and I felt a heaviness on my heart. I laughed a little. "There it is. There he is," I told myself. "I haven't lost him. Don't worry, you can't forget because he is in your heart. Forever."

Nine years ago, at my brother's private viewing, a 16-year-old me slipped a note-- folded in the shape of a heart-- into my brother's hand. Though I've tried, I can't quite remember what I wrote then, what words I wanted Jeremy to hold onto for eternity. But I'm pretty sure I said "I miss you. I wish you were here." And I still do. After fussing with the flowers by his grave and cleaning his marker-- the things we do to keep from crying-- I told him so again.

I love you, Jeremy. I miss you. I wish you were here, big brother. I think about you all the time and I will never forget you.

Inside my head

Today was a beautiful, sunshiney day and all I wanted to do was be lazy, crawl under the covers and hide from the world. Do you ever have days like that? They make me so annoyed at myself.

But it seems I've been having days like today far too often lately. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have a birthday looming. I'm turning the big 2-5 at the end of the month and I'm not so excited about it, for a number of reasons. One, I want to take a vacation but have no money-- or even time, it seems-- to take one. And two, the biggest reason, is I am just not where I would like to be, or where I thought I would be, at this point in my life.

To be honest, I've been feeling like a complete and utter mess lately. A little lost. Like I don't know how I got to where I am and now I need some direction. Because I don't know what I want, what I need, and in the rare instances where I do, I simply don't know how to get it. And it doesn't help when I see-- or read about, as the case may be-- other people who seemingly have it all together. I know, I know. No one is perfect and no one has it all together. But in blogland, it is easy to get caught up in that comparison, to feel inadequate. Maybe that's why I have been staying away.

I had lunch with my mom yesterday, who I hadn't seen in a while, and I don't think I was much of a joy to be around. I walked away from our get together feeling like a complainer when I should have just been happy to be having lunch with her-- instead of thinking about all the work I had to get back to. See, that's what I was telling her venting about. How I feel like all I do is work work work. And I want to live live live.

I know I need to make some changes to get there. And I know I am being totally vague! And I keep erasing my next sentences because I'm having second thoughts about this post. Hopefully you won't hold it against me for being a Debbie Downer. I hope that some of you can share with me what you do when you just can't seem to shake the blues. Where do you go for guidance when you feel lost?

Maybe this weekend will get me out of my funk. Thankfully, my best friend just texted me that she wants to meet up in an hour to shoot some hoops. So random and yet, so needed.

thanks for listening... reading... my ineloquent ramblings.

xo,


Image via we heart it

10 in '10

We’re seven days into 2010. Is it too late to make New Year's resolutions?

I’m the worst when it comes to keeping them but I still see the value in the year-end tradition of self-reflection and of setting goals that (if accomplished) will make you and your life better.

So here goes. The trick is deciding what to resolve to do. There are many things I could and should do in all areas of self-improvement. But I don’t want to overwhelm myself. So I’m setting the limit at 10. Ten resolutions for 2010.

Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Save money. I haven’t had a savings account in far too long and 2009 was a tough year on the ole bank account. So I am going to take my best friend’s advice and pledge to save $5 a day. A latte here, a fast food lunch there—it shouldn’t be too hard to do, right? Thing is, I have to deduct that money from my paycheck immediately or else… it will be spent before I know it!

2. Stop biting my nails. Seems simple enough but I have had this unattractive habit for as long as I can remember and I can’t seem to break it! I have tried to quit before and my resolve will last a few weeks or so but the minute I get a hangnail or stressed out beyond belief, bam! I revert back to my old ways. I must stop though. It’s bad for my nails, bad for my teeth and it doesn’t help me distress in the slightest!

3. Eat more healthfully—more fresh fruits and veggies, less carbs carbs carbs—and smaller portions. Also, crack open my cook books and actually make some of the delicious dishes I see on the Food Network!

4. Exercise. I’m not even going to quantify how much this year because, who am I kidding? Any exercise would be better than what’s been going on. (Someone needs to brush the dust off the 30 Day Shred. Yep, that someone would be me.)

5. Read more books, see more movies, visit more museums! I didn’t do nearly enough of any of these in 2009. I need more culture in my life! Even if it is pop culture, ha. Plus, there are dozens of unread books on my book shelf, it is ridiculous. I want to try to read one book a month, which doesn’t sound too hard, I’m sure, for you fast and avid readers out there. But it is so difficult for me to devote the time to just sitting down and opening up a book.

6. Be more productive career-wise. There’s more I could do in my current job—like pitch more feature ideas and not just let myself get bogged down in news—and I still need to organize my clips, but what I’d really like to do this year is direct more of my writing efforts into freelancing. Time is always my excuse but it is important that I branch out and get my foot in the door at magazines that I’d eventually like to work for one day.

7. On a related note: Move to New York. That seems pretty far-fetched even to me but this is my bestie’s resolution, too. Recently she said to me that she wanted to make the move to the East Coast before October when she turns 25. Her reasoning is that if she doesn’t do it by then, she probably never will. Well, gosh, the truth in that gave me a start! So I want to make it happen. And the first step toward this goal is a little thing called saving money that I mentioned before.

8. Pay off my credit card. I have a few credit cards in my wallet but there is one in particular that I am talking about. One whose balance didn’t go down much last year thanks to a nearly 30 percent interest rate. (I’m talking to you, Chase.) That’s another resolution: to transfer my balance!

9. Continue to reconnect with old friends and make some new. Working at home is tough. There’s no coworkers to gossip with or go to lunch with. Friends were easy to come by in college but not so much any more. So I am resolving to put myself out there more and to pick up the phone more. My get-togethers with friends during the holidays (as well as my first blogger’s meet up last Sunday—stay tuned for that post soon) just reconfirmed to me how good friends are for the soul and the spirit.

10. And finally, to be happy with myself and love who I am, no matter what. Even if I fail at these resolutions!

So what do you think of my 10 for ’10? What are some of your resolutions? And if you have any tips on how I can actually accomplish my goals this year, by all means, let me know!

images via we heart it 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Every Thanksgiving, like many other folk, my thoughts turn to what I am thankful for. But what I always end up realizing is that not only do I have a lot to be grateful for, I also do not give thanks often enough. Too many times during the year I whine and complain about what I want, what I need, what I don't have. One day of thanks is simply not enough. I need to remember what I do have, not take it for granted and be thankful for it every. single. day. With the craziness that is life, that can be hard to do on a daily basis. But I'm going to try. Because I think when you realize and appreciate all that you have, you find you are happier and more blessed than you thought.

This Thanksgiving, here are a few things I'm thankful for:

:: My family. As dysfunctional as we are, we truly love each other.

:: My boyfriend. We've been through our ups and downs but at the end of the day, we really do care about each other and want what's best for each other. After two and a half years-- much of it living together-- we are family.

:: Which brings me to Hazel. As crazy and obnoxious as she can be, she is my faithful (and adorable) companion and she brings me so much joy.

:: My job. I am so glad to have a job that I love (even if it stresses me out) and makes me feel like I am doing something worthwhile and meaningful. And I am so thankful to have a steady paycheck during a time when many people do not.

:: Having a roof over my head, clothes on my back, shoes on my feet and food on the table. And that's not an empty statement as perhaps it has been in year's past. Because after talking to so many homeless, jobless and otherwise financially struggling people this past year, I really am grateful to have life's basic necessities.

:: Old friends. Even if I don't see them as often as I'd like, I know I can always count on them, and they can count on me. Bonds like that just don't break.

:: New "bloggy" friends. You guys mean more to me than you may know. I have enjoyed getting to know you and I appreciate every comment you leave me, every kind and encouraging word, everything. A year ago, I never knew that such an amazing blog community existed but I am so very thankful that I am now a part of it.

What are you thankful for this year?



image via weheartit 

Too much

I know this is something people say in "Monday" posts, but I'm going to say it a day late: The weekend just flew by.

On Sunday night as I was going to bed, I started to think of all the things I had wanted to accomplish in those all-too-brief two days and all the things I still had yet to do. As my eyes got heavy with sleep, a mental to-do list played in my head and the stress I had temporarily let go of on Friday afternoon suddenly began to creep back into my chest. With tense shoulders and a slightly churning stomach, I went to sleep.

Monday I awoke to the unfortunate and unwelcome realization of all I had to get done. With the Thanksgiving holiday, all of my deadlines are moved up a day, which only compounded the "normal" amount of anxiety I feel on Mondays. I am a person that generally likes to have things to do and I relish making to-do lists, but what I enjoy even more is crossing things off. As in done. No more. Finito. But it seems like my life is an unending list of tasks-- the moment I strike one through with my pen, another job is waiting to be tackled and completed. These tasks are mostly work-related but also personal, and laundry is seemingly one of the items that I will never get to because of all the other "priority projects" above it. But a girl needs clean clothes sometime, right?

I wish I could say I have only felt like this as of late, but that's not true. And the burden, the pressure, of having so much on my plate that has to be done perfectly-- because I can't not do it perfectly or at least try-- is starting to wear on me. I am feeling burnt out. Which, of course, makes it even harder to accomplish all that is asked of me, by myself and others. I procrastinate, I fall behind. I work work work to catch up, but then it never seems good enough. I am definitely too hard on myself, for sure, but at times I feel like I can't manage my time, my emotions, my responsibilities, my ... life.

My second grade teacher told my mom that I was a stressed out little girl. Isn't it about time for a break?



image via we heart it via Audrey Hepburn Complex 

Remembering Sept. 12, 2008

This post is a few days late, but I wanted to post about it anyway.

On Saturday, I attended the dedication of the Metrolink Memorial Plaza in Simi Valley. On Sept. 12, 2008, a Metrolink passenger train bound for Simi and Moorpark collided head-on with a Union Pacific freight train in Chatsworth. The crash left 25 dead, including 10 Simi residents, and more than 135 injured. Some of you may remember this as it was all over the news after it happened.

The crash sent shock waves through the community, because even though Simi is a city of more than 125,000 people, it still has a small town feel. I think it's safe to say the tragedy was felt by all. Even if you didn't know someone on the train, you knew someone who knew someone who was on the train.

The accident happened on a Friday meaning that my weekly community newspaper was not able to put out any coverage on the crash until the following Friday. A colleague of mine wrote an overall story about the crash and its effect on the community. I wrote a story about Spree DeSha, an LAPD officer who was killed in the collision-- she always rode in the front car, in uniform. Interviewing her parents and life partner at the North Hollywood police station in the days after the crash and subsequently writing the story was an emotional experience for me. I thought about Spree and her family for a long time after that. Longer than I normally dwell on the subjects of my stories. See, even though I didn't personally know anyone on the Metrolink 111 train that day, in the course of my interviews, the accident became very personal.

It was decided quickly after the crash that the community wanted a memorial to remember those who died. In the months that followed, I attended many workshops and city council meetings related to the construction of this memorial, and wrote many more stories. Despite the (financial) obstacles, the city met its deadline-- one called for by the community-- of completing and dedicating the memorial on the first anniversary of the crash.

Hundreds of people came out for the occasion on Saturday. I attended the event with my editor; we were representing the paper but I was also there to write a story for this week's issue. The memorial plaza looked beautiful, just as it was envisioned. The ceremony was moving, reflective, hopeful. 

While taking notes kept my mind busy, at times I found myself where I was a year ago when talking to Spree's parents-- fighting back tears. I got especially choked up while talking to a girl my age who lost her father in the crash. Seeing her cry and talk about her pain brought tears to my own eyes because, though I didn't tell her this, I know how she feels. And yet, it was comforting to both her and I to see the memorial complete, to see the large number of residents that gathered to support the families of the victims as well as the survivors, and to literally feel the love as the community wrapped its arms around its own.

It's days like Saturday that make me proud to call Simi home.

In reverent memory of those who perished

in the September 12, 2008

Metrolink Train Disaster,

with hope and encouragement

for those who survived,

and with gratitude to the

first responders for their heroism

and compassion