Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Missing you

Today was a busy day at work. In some ways that's a good thing. I wasn't allowed to really dwell on what this day means. But I also didn't have time to visit the cemetery, which I feel a bit guilty about. Not really guilty I guess, I just wanted to go. But I know Jeremy wouldn't mind. He would understand.

Today is the 10th anniversary of my brother's death. I've talked about it on here before and I know it is not exactly a happy topic, but I can't let the day go by without acknowledging it somehow.

Even though it is just one day, I've been thinking about this day for several months. I've long been aware that this would be the 10-year anniversary. It is hard to believe it has been that long. When I mentioned it to my best friend last week, she couldn't believe it either.

But more than that, I've also long realized that this year I would turn 26. I am the same age my brother was when he was killed. It's a bit surreal. I try to imagine myself in his place and I can't. He always seemed so much older. Now that I am his age, I can't comprehend it. I feel like I have just started to live my life and there's still so much more I want to accomplish. I guess it just reaffirms what I've always known. Jeremy was taken far too soon. He had so much potential, so much more to do and give and see and be. But the unpredictability of life stepped in and his time here was cut short. I'll never understand why, I've accepted that. It is what it is and you can't really find meaning in it. You just have to learn from it, grow from it and move on in the best way you can. And I think I've done that for the most part.

But no matter how many years are put between then and now, I'll never stop remembering. And I'll never stop missing my big brother. My goofy, good-hearted brother. It's funny, most times I feel "fine" about the whole thing. I think of him with only joy in my heart. It has been a decade after all. But then there's those other times that startle me with a whoosh of emotion-- sadness, of course, and a longing to be able to change the unchangeable. Times like right now, when I'm trying to fight the tears. I should just let them fall.

Jeremy, I'm sorry I wasn't able to visit you today. I was going to bring you a beer this year instead of flowers. I thought the rebel in you might appreciate that. Maybe I'll come out to sit with you this weekend. It's hard for me to do, but sometimes it's good to just feel it. Until then, know that you are in my thoughts today and every day, and everyone down here misses you. A lot. I love you forever.

Your little sis,

P.S. I'm disabling comments for this one. But if you got this far, thank you so much for reading.