Sunday, February 20, 2011

Breaking up is hard to do

Wow. Being the breaker-upper is not much better than being the breakup-ee.

As some of you may have gathered from my last post, or from my facebook status change last week, my boyfriend and I broke up.

I’m the one who did the breaking. It was something that I’ve needed to do for a long time. Safe to say we both saw it coming and yet we both didn’t really want to do anything about it. I finally made the move.

We were together almost four years. It would have been four years April 15.

Like I said, I know it was the right step to take but it wasn’t easy. Despite my own feelings, despite my friends’ prodding, I put it off and off and off because I was afraid. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of losing a friend. A best friend, really. Afraid of how I would feel after. Afraid that I wouldn’t find anyone else to replace the empty feeling in my heart that I knew would only get bigger once I actually said the words that needed to be said: I think we should break up.

And I had never broken up with anyone before. (I was the one who was completely devastated-- several times I might add-- by my high school-into-college boyfriend.) I wasn’t sure what to do or how to say it.

As far as breakups go, this one was … nice? I don’t know the word. Calm? I simply said that things weren’t working out and that we both deserved better-- to find someone who truly makes us happy and gives us what we need. I didn’t feel it was necessary to delve into all the things that I think he has done wrong. Or how he hurt me. What would be the point, really? I knew that once I got those words out-- I think we should break up-- there would be no going back. Nothing he could do to change my mind. Pointing fingers wouldn’t solve anything and we still have a dog together that we both love. And mutual friends. We will still occasionally talk and see each other so I wanted to make the breakup as “nice” as possible.

I think he did, too, because he didn’t get defensive either. As sad as this fact might make me, he pretty much agreed with what I said. It would have been nice if he had tried to fight for me, but I knew going in that wouldn’t be the reaction and it wasn’t. Which is exactly why I knew it all needed to end. So it did.

Luckily, last week was as busy as usual and work kept my mind off of what had happened. Valentine’s Day was a Monday and I had a horrific City Council meeting to attend. (Horrific because it lasted six hours. Longest meeting of my life!) I had meetings almost every night last week in fact. And those deadlines to meet. But then the weekend came and bam! Everything I didn’t want to think about has hit me. The rainy, gloomy weather didn’t help either.

I never really talked about my relationship here and in general I try not to get too personal, but I decided to write this all down because I just called the ex and it left me a bit rattled. I called because he still owes me some money and the bill is coming up this week. (Another reason I did my best to keep the split amicable.) I was slightly dreading calling him but it was harder than I imagined it would be. 

The moment I got on the phone with him and he asked me how I was, it took all the strength within me not to burst out crying. My voice cracked a little and I had to cover my mouth. I didn’t want him to know that I was hurting. It was me, after all, who did this. Surprisingly, for an ultra-emotional girl like me, I didn’t cry that much during the actual breakup. But this weekend, in the privacy of my room, under the covers of my bed, tears have soaked my pillow, coming down heavy like the rain outside.

I still know that I did the right thing. For both of us. But it still hurts. My heart aches because I miss my friend. Heck, I miss my dog. And I hate feeling so incredibly alone. Thankfully, my best friend just returned my call and I’m already feeling a bit better, just being able to talk to her and let out all these emotions swirling inside. Writing it all down has lifted some of the weight, too.

Today, the sun broke through the clouds and I know that this internal storm will also pass. Until this weekend I wasn’t letting myself feel the pain and I’ve realized that even though the breakup was expected and needed and my own doing, it is still okay to feel sad. I spent the last four years of my life loving this man, even if he didn’t love me back the way I needed. I shared my hopes and dreams and fears with him. He saw me laugh and he saw me cry. He was there to talk to when I had a bad day. He was there to go to dinner with and see the latest movie. It’s hard to lose all that. So it’s okay to be sad.

I’m going to let myself feel that for a while and then I’ll get back to the regular, cheerful programming. If you made it this far, you’re awesome. Thanks for reading.


Saw this photo today on Etsy and it seemed to capture my feelings. Find it here, by tamgutlich

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The right hands

A heart is a funny thing.

It can be so strong
for the people it loves
and yet those are the very ones
who can break it so easily.

when held in the right hands,
a heart can be so full
and so light
all at the same time.

So while 
it may not be smart
to keep giving away my heart
so freely,
I will keep on giving
until the day that it finds
the right hands.

penned Feb. 2, 2011
felt again Feb. 12
still feeling today

Image via we heart it

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Mailbox pretties

Happy almost-Valentine's Day, my loves! Sorry I have been so MIA... I have been busy busy busy, as usual. But I just had to share with you these cute Valentines I made for The Stationary Place's first-ever handmade Valentine swap!

I met Lyndsey at Dionne's SoCal Blogger's Bee on New Year's Day, which I never posted about-- sorry! It was amazing of course. Nothing less with Dionne as the organizer. (I mean, just check out this Chocolat-themed Valentine's party she threw. I am in awe. Who wouldn't want to be invited to that party?) Maybe one of these days soon I will post about the incredible goodie bags us SoCal bloggers received... so many wonderful artists represented in that bag!

Anyway, like I was saying, I met Lyndsey at the meetup and soon after discovered her blog, dedicated to all things paper. When she announced she was having a handmade Valentine swap, I couldn't resist joining in the fun! Here's a closer look at my creations:

Now, I can't take all the credit for these adorable greetings. I used a kit from my favorite stationary store, Paper Source. Still, I made them my own by adding a few extra hearts here and there and on the interior. And of course the message inside was all my own. I hope the ladies who received them loved them as much as I enjoyed making them!

So, did you send any Valentine's this year? Don't you miss those grade school days when you would bring Valentine's and chocolates for the whole class and drop a little sweetness in each of your friends' pouches? At least, that's what we did at my school...

Hope you are having a sweet, love-filled weekend!


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Nailing it

Happy almost-Friday everybody! I wanted to post a quick update today about a project I've been working on. It's called Project Stop Biting My Nails. :)

Remember how I told you that one of my New Years resolutions for 2010 was to stop biting my nails?

And then how just a few weeks before the year was up I realized that I hadn't accomplished that seemingly simple goal and decided to really and truly stop? (So I could say I did successfully meet at least one of my resolutions!)

Well, I've stuck with it and I'm happy to say, I have nice, long(ish) nails! Even through the stress of work and another editor change (Monday was a doozy to say the least), I haven't bitten all my hard earned white tips off.

Even happier, I received that free Zoya polish I told you about (except Kelly, she's still on backorder). Since I've always been a nail biter, I'm not so skillful at painting my nails. But practice makes perfect, right? Here's the colors I've been wearing:

For the past two weeks, while waiting for my three free to arrive, I was wearing Zoya's Laurie, a pale, sheer, creamy pink. Since I am so fair and have cool undertones in my skin, this polish is almost my perfect nude. It would be great for a French manicure, too.

Because Zoya received tens of thousands of orders during their three free promotion, it took a long time for them to get the polishes shipped. And I really needed some products to help me maintain my no-biting policy. So I ordered Laurie and Zoya's Color Lock System, which comes with remover, base coat, top coat and "HurryUp" drying drops. I have to say I love the remover-- it works so fast and has a fairly nice scent for nail polish remover! It's not overwhelming like some can be. I'm also in love with Zoya's base coat, called Anchor. It does what it says and dries within seconds.

I finally received Edyta and Isla-- two of my three free-- last week and I was so excited to paint my nails last weekend. But I was a bit too tired to be bothered. However, Laurie was starting to lose her luster-- though I have to say she did hold up well; hardly any chips!-- so I made the time last night to try out Edyta. (Which I am guessing was named after the sexy Polish dancer on "Dancing with the Stars." The color does remind me of her.)

Here's the results:

Though my dad and brother thought it looked black and "goth" at first, I showed them that in the light, it is actually a dark green with shimmering gold. I think it's unique and pretty. What do you think?

I'm so proud of myself for actually committing to this "project" and not relapsing into my bad habit. It's nice to be able to give myself a manicure and not worry while taking notes during an interview if the person notices my gnawed on nails.

There's only one problem: Now I want to buy tons of nail polish! Like I needed another beauty product to be obsessed with, right? Well, I have my eye on a few other shades: Ibiza, Charla and Julieanne. And I'm lusting after Zoya's entire spring collection, Intimate. (I especially want Marley!)

I probably would have quit biting my nails a lot sooner had I known how many beautiful nail polishes are out there! Thanks, Zoya, for the motivation.