Friday, March 12, 2010

Inside my head

Today was a beautiful, sunshiney day and all I wanted to do was be lazy, crawl under the covers and hide from the world. Do you ever have days like that? They make me so annoyed at myself.

But it seems I've been having days like today far too often lately. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have a birthday looming. I'm turning the big 2-5 at the end of the month and I'm not so excited about it, for a number of reasons. One, I want to take a vacation but have no money-- or even time, it seems-- to take one. And two, the biggest reason, is I am just not where I would like to be, or where I thought I would be, at this point in my life.

To be honest, I've been feeling like a complete and utter mess lately. A little lost. Like I don't know how I got to where I am and now I need some direction. Because I don't know what I want, what I need, and in the rare instances where I do, I simply don't know how to get it. And it doesn't help when I see-- or read about, as the case may be-- other people who seemingly have it all together. I know, I know. No one is perfect and no one has it all together. But in blogland, it is easy to get caught up in that comparison, to feel inadequate. Maybe that's why I have been staying away.

I had lunch with my mom yesterday, who I hadn't seen in a while, and I don't think I was much of a joy to be around. I walked away from our get together feeling like a complainer when I should have just been happy to be having lunch with her-- instead of thinking about all the work I had to get back to. See, that's what I was telling her venting about. How I feel like all I do is work work work. And I want to live live live.

I know I need to make some changes to get there. And I know I am being totally vague! And I keep erasing my next sentences because I'm having second thoughts about this post. Hopefully you won't hold it against me for being a Debbie Downer. I hope that some of you can share with me what you do when you just can't seem to shake the blues. Where do you go for guidance when you feel lost?

Maybe this weekend will get me out of my funk. Thankfully, my best friend just texted me that she wants to meet up in an hour to shoot some hoops. So random and yet, so needed.

thanks for listening... reading... my ineloquent ramblings.


Image via we heart it


Erin said...

Oh sweetie, we all have periods in our life like this. It doesn't make you a "Debbie Downer" but someone who is smart, and able to express her worries... it's good that you are venting and getting things off your chest instead of internalizing all of it and keeping it to yourself.

I am so bad for comparing myself to others (especially here in Blogland where we sometimes paint a prettier picture than life really is!) and feeling jealous. I'm not proud of it, but the green-eyed monster raises her ugly head far too often in this house. Sigh.

Time spent with friends helps. Blasting your favourite music is therapeutic. Vigorous walks and lots of fresh air. And list-making, I find, helps. Pros and cons, plans, steps to take to make things better, to get you where you want to go...

I hope some of this helps. Sending you a virtual hug!


Erin said...

And you think your ramblings are ineloquent! Just read my first comment... ;~)

Andhari said...

It's okay to rant and let it out. You're not a Debbie Downer. We all have moments like that, I'm even in that situation just like you. Keep blaming myself, feeling insecure, and compare myself to others.

I think we just have to be more patience, you'll get where you want to be because you deserve it :)

Anonymous said...

This is such a normal feeling at 25, I promise! At 16-17-18, 25 seems like being so grown up but as we all come to learn... it isn't. You are still figuring out who you are and what you want in life. It sounds like you are doing just that! You are realizing there are things in your life that you are not happy with, maybe its work, or maybe it is that you haven't up and left for New York. The best advice I ever heard about moving away to a new place is "You can always come back if you don't like it." Think of it as a "semester" of learning, and if you choose to stay after the few months you set aside to learn, then good for you. If you choose to move back home, then it isn't a failure... it was a GREAT experience that you created for yourself.

I have been reading your posts for over a year, and I know that last time you posted a more personal "vent" about your feelings you didn't get too much support. I had to write this time and let you know how much I can relate to what you are feeling.

Time for a change, so go make one. (I don't mean shop) :)

Amber (Girl with the red hair) said...

I think this is completely normal - quarter-life crisis!

I haven't hit mine yet but I know that when I'm feeling blue trips home really perk me up. Because it's a mini-vacay from my crazy life. I think you NEED a vacation, even if it means turning OFF your phone, email etc. for a 3-day weekend and having a staycation I bet it would do wonders for you!

Just tell your boss you NEED this vacation and he has to give it to you. You work your little butt off for them and you've said many times that you're underpaid so this is the least they can do!

Send me an email if you need to vent more! I'm always willing to listen.


Meg said...

25 can be hard, and it definitely makes you ask the tough questions about how your life is going. but stick with it, take it one day at a time and love yourself for where you're at right now!

Anonymous said...

Whenever I am down or needing guidance I turn to God. I don't know if you are the religious type but I am where I am today because of Him trusting in the path that He has been laying out for me.

I am sorry that you are feeling so down but go out and live like you want to! You have to follow your instinct no matter what you have to sacrifice to get there because you will never know what could have been unless you actually do it.

Be brave and step out into the unknown! You won't regret it.

Heather Taylor said...

I've been feeling exactly the same these days. I work constantly and am also under the pressure of knowing that I graduate soon where people keep asking me what I'm doing, where I'm going. I don't know! There's a beauty in that which I feel most people do not understand.
In any case, whenever I feel lost, I usually turn to my friends and family for guidance. I also do whatever makes me feel really happy, like writing and reading. Having a creative outlet is really important to me, something that you do just for you.