Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Status update

Ok. So I'm hoping this post doesn't make me come off sounding like a lonely and bitter witch. 

But, as I was about to post about more stuff—which, don’t get me wrong, I love me some pretty stuff—I thought that maybe I should write about what’s really on my mind.

And then after writing it all out, I debated actually posting it because, well, it's not easy for me to be so open and vulnerable on here.

Still, I’m guessing there are some of you out there who will get how I feel. So here goes.

It seems I am at the age where everyone I know—friends, acquaintances, coworkers, former high school classmates, you name it—is getting engaged, married or knocked up. Well, the better way to put that would be to say they are starting a family.

Now, I know that this is the normal course of life. I’m a 20-something, approaching 30, these things happen. But I think certain platforms like, ahem, Facebook, make me hyper-aware of the situation. Every day it seems people are updating their statuses with life-changing news. Look at my sparkling new ring! Check out my wedding pics! Isn’t my darling baby darling?!

But don’t misunderstand. I am thrilled for my friends when I hear this type of news and when I write “Congratulations, I’m so happy for you!” I am completely sincere. Really and truly. But there is this little nagging part of me that wonders, “When will that happen for me?”

Even proclamations of, “I got my dream job!” or “Just closed on my new home!” can elicit that kind of inner, heart-sinking response from me.

I wouldn’t describe it as jealousy. Just a feeling of not being where I wish I was—the sort of ache that keeps me up at night when those self-defeating, woe-is-me thoughts creep in.

And yes, a tinge of loneliness. I am lonely. (But I am actively warding off a turn into bitter-ville.) My ex and I broke up six months ago and although we are still friends and talk often and hang out—a kind of odd relationship that is hard for people to understand—sometimes you just want someone to hold your hand, you know?

There it is. I guess I’ve been feeling a bit sad, a bit restless and a bit stuck. I’ve probably driven my best friend crazy with these feelings of insecurity! But really, I’m sure there are others out there who feel or have felt like this. How do you shift your negative thoughts and get out of a funk?

I know everyone has their own path to follow and that many of the things I’m looking and hoping for will happen when the time is right. But I'm also a believer that sometimes you have to take the reigns of your life and make a change when you’re not happy or to get where you want to be. Change is something I tend to avoid like the plague, but I’m thinking it’s high time I become more of a risk taker.

So here's to being patient but enjoying the ride, and being proud of my own life (thou shall not covet, right?) while taking baby steps forward to make tomorrow more like my dreams.


Love-ly photos via we heart it: 1, 2 and 3.


Amber (Girl with the red hair) said...

Aww thanks for such an open and honest post love. I know a few people who are feeling this way and I know it can be really difficult. I think the best thing you can do is find things that make you happy every day. If you are happy, content, secure etc. with your life than that will shine through and spread to other aspects of your life as well!

Thinking of you! XO

Mo Pie, Please said...

I totally understand what you're saying, and don't feel bad for saying it. Life works in mysterious ways - and complete and utter happiness will come your way when the time is right. Chin up, lovely lady!

Helen said...

I'm so glad you were brave enough to write this post, Carissa! Trust me, you are NOT alone. Every single one of us (lady or gent) has felt this way, and I really applaud you for sharing your feelings, because I'm sure it's made each one of your readers think: "phew, I'm not the only one!"

You WILL have Mr. Right/the Perfect Job and whatever your heart desires.. but the trick is that it all comes when you least expect it. Just be patient... it's worth it!


PS: We missed you!

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Post Grad Hair Cut said...

Ahh! I feel like I wrote this. I have had every single thought in this post. AND my boyfriend and I split about six months ago as well after three years (and we're still friendly too). I have been in such a funk lately feeling like I've been treading water for the past five years. We'll make our own way though!